*With a swish and a flick, behold a magic trick
The Narcissist
D!
Yours truly. 17. Female. Malaysian. Petite. 27th MAY. Single. Maybe available *hinthint* NEWS is her only drug. Absolutely, magically in love with BEAST. Hey! Say! JUMP. SHINee. Super Junior. In that order. Assuntarian. A Harry Potter Twitter Role-Player. Compulsive writer. Lusting for a glance in her direction. Sings like the world is deaf. As genuine as you can get. A self-proclaimed narcissist. Enjoys not having the other half
Love me? Hate me? I'll still be me. Enjoy. Lyn|Avery
Books Pave the Way to Destruction Yet to A Beauty Beyond Imaginations
Her Domain
286 posts from 5 June 2011
Escaping the conforms of society
To stupefy the endless expanse of the universe
Advancing into a world unknown
Please don't RIP Ask permission.
Discover where else she speaks her mind
Twitter: @theivorykeys
Facebook: Shern Lyn Khuan
Email: Contact either TorFB for details. (;
Her Cravings
• To be any JE member's adopted sister
• My first book published
• To meet NewS
• To meet Hey!Say!JUMP
• To meet Super Junior
• To meet SHINee
• To get signed to SM Entertainment
• A degree in English
• Black skinnies (:
•
•
• Japanese boy uniform
• To perform a JE song medley
• To perform in Tokyo Dome and get signed to JE
• Another trip to Japan
• Permanent Japanese residence
• A yukata
•
• To cosplay
• My first perfect Japanese bento lunch
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• Understand and speak fluent Japanese
• Understand and speak fluent Korean
• National status as a writer
• A laptop or something similar
Will be updated when fancy strikes
Her One True Loves
MY BRATs TEAM. Alor Star 2011 NewS (Lots of love). Hey! Say! JUMP. Masuda Takahisa. Kato Shigeaki. Pen. Paper. Trees. Yamashita Tomohisa SHINee 3A12009. Super Junior. Nakajima Yuuto. Mathematics. Window shopping. Tegoshi Yuya. Japan! Twilight and Dusk. Kim Jong-Woon Sunset. Beaches. Rain. Stars. Inspiration. Koyama Keiichiro. Colours. Winter. Snow. Winter jackets. Nishikido Ryo.
Runaway
Infatuated<3Unofficial HSJ Malaysia LJ
abelchi| amandang/doldol | amylim | annatan | ashleykhor | ben-jielim | chuachiyan | cynthiaong | dariusbehyunji<3 | eelainetan | eeleng | euniceho | huichee | honpaige | horsegirl15 | jadeyeap<3 | kin-chan<3 | lydiaong | marcusheng | miki-chan<3 | nicolefong | nicolemarcus | previta | samuellee
Ramblings&Memories
A few words would be nice. :D
By post:
feeling helpless
being strong
Hatred Is Not Only A Feeling
To Shed Or Not To Shed
Can It Be Called Love?
When You Fall, Fall With Grace
Is It Called Self Abuse?
The Words of a Man in Love
Of Headaches and Departures
wow
By month:
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
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June 2009
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December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
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July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
October 2011
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Saturday, October 29, 2011 @ 3:02 AM
Have you ever felt so helpless that all you want to do it fit yourself into a closet and lock yourself in because being cramped in the tiniest place possible is the safest you'll be able to feel? With love, Avery|Lyn Labels: one liner |
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Wednesday, October 26, 2011 @ 11:40 PM
When all I want to do is break down and cry but I know that doing so isn't going to help me. Doing so will only cause me more pain. And so, I be brave and hold it in. Holding it in until the dam breaks. With love, Lyn|Avery |
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Thursday, October 20, 2011 @ 2:33 AM
Have you ever felt such hatred for your parents that you don't want to even look at them? That looking at them brings you utter disgust? Well, I feel that sort of hatred towards my parents. I'm sure all of us have felt in such a way before. I've never hated my father so much before. I hate him so much that to look at him would make me want to throw up and I hate talking to him. Just the thought of even talking to him disgusts me. He's inconsiderate, not at all understanding and worst of all things, so fucking traditional that I want to slap some modernity into his face. Instance one: the state of my bathroom and my room. What concern is the cleanliness of my room and bathroom to you? You're not living in this space that is MINE. I think I deserve the rights to leave it in whatever condition I want to. You don't use my bathroom and neither do you live in my room. So, I believe that the state of my room is of no concern to you. As long as my room does not pose any health threat to anyone, I think I would like my rights to have my room as it is. Whether I keep it clean or not, has absolutely nothing to do with you. Instance two: If I want to hang onto my iPod for the whole day, that is my choice. If I don't want to study, I think that is my decision for doing so. You don't come barging in to my study methods and claim that I am not studying. If I want to study while talking to a friend of mine on Skype, I think I shall. How do you know that it does not help me to study better? Whenever I study, you don't see me studying. You're either sleeping or not at home. So if I have already studied and I take the night for breaks, I think that is up to me. If I don't get good results, I think that consequence lies on my head. It would not affect you. In fact, it's better because the money that could be used to pay for college could be used for something else. So what the fuck is your bloody problem? Or are you so scared that I won't have enough money to support you when I'm older? Instance three: You're pissed that I don't clean my room and I don't study in front of your eyes...so you do not take it out on my mother! You fucking bastard! Is it my mother's fault that I don't study? Is it her fault that I don't keep my room clean? Yeah. You have a problem, you tell me nicely and calmly. You don't point fingers at me and tell me how to study. I study by reading my books and then do exercises. You do not do exercises instantly when you do not even understand the fucked up subject you're studying. So, stop telling me what to do and let me study however I want to. Instance four: Like seriously...you're going to act like a spoilt brat to me, then fine, I will act like one back. Instance five: I have friends. I can talk to them whenever I want. Especially if they're on the other side of the world. You might be my parents but you do not bloody govern my life or tell me what to do Instance six: I dislike my mother for not standing up to my father for scolding her because of me. It's do stupidly weak. If it was my husband, I'd have already told him off for scolding me for something that has nothing to do with me. So much for being a modern woman. ugh There are so many more that I will name but for now, this are the ones that are affecting me seriously. I cannot wait till I start college because then, I'll finally be able to be free from your bloody control. If you want me to study now, I seriously suggest, you leave me alone. Let me study how I want to or I seriously would not be able to. And stop trying to govern my life because doing so is going to cause me to lash out even more. |
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011 @ 12:39 AM
I have so many things I want to put down in writing. But I cannot find the words to write out. Not with this kind of heartache in my heart.
I just want to cry sometimes. But I am stronger than that. And tears are useless in this situation. So here I am, not knowing what to say. RP can sometimes be a real bitch. I hearts, Lyn|Avery |
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Saturday, August 6, 2011 @ 3:06 AM
May Geminis are said to be clingy and I am convinced that I DO fall into this category. After all the months of heartbreak, I still could not forget Z even to this day. There are days when I cannot control myself and I would lurk on his Twitter just to dream and wish and reminisce and some times, actually emotionally hurt myself.I do not believe that I am actually in love with him. I may still harbour some feelings towards him but I cannot confidently tell you that I am in love with him. After all that we've gone through, the many messages of arguing and fighting and the many tears shed, I doubt it is really called love. Yet, I still cling to the dream that one day we would make up and although it would be awkward, a sort of friendship would be there. Until today, I have not mustered up enough courage to utter a word to him. All tweets that I send to him are instantly deleted as soon as I've sent them. Am I so cowardly that the fear of rejection sends me into such desperation? I do not know. I do not want to dwell on such depressing things. The argument with Z sent me into depression for about a week and I don't want to go back there. My heart might ache each time I see his Twitter and see him talking to others like we used to. But a few hours later and I'll be fine again. And here comes clingy evidence number two. And this has got to be the only guy I've ever had a crush on my in seventeen years of life who actually merits me liking him. In fact, any girl liking him. Smart. EXTREMELY. Cute, possibly even sexy. Extremely sweet. Witty. And damn that voice of his. Liquid sex. But possibly that's just me. I don't exactly demand for him to date me and all. I would just like a little acknowledgement. When I try to talk to him in a friendly manner, I get brushed off and ignored. I am not even given the time of the day with him. Truth be told, I met him at a camp and we were pretty friendly the first few days there. After a while, he started to be distant to me..and it rather hurt. I kept wondering what exactly had I done wrong. And this was even before the fight I had with his room mate so I doubt it had affected it. And to add insult to the injury, there was a mild flirting between us the first few days. Probably I was friendly and very open to begin with and after he opened up with others, I didn't mean so much anymore. At least that's my theory. Even after the camp, he talks with others freely but not me. It's clear that he has rejected me but yet I still cling to the dream that he would at least acknowledge me in some way. It would be nice to have someone to speak intellectually to. And a guy friend. It's been about two months since we last spoke and I tend to lurk on his Facebook page a little too much. But only because I'm trying to look for something to spark a lasting friendship. He is very much a gem. And here is evidence that I am clingy. Am I desperate to be loved? Or is this just normal? With love, Lyn|Avery |
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Sunday, July 3, 2011 @ 3:55 AM
Well, a life-changing event calls for another post, doesn't it?I don't have pictures because my camera ran out of battery before I could take more than two but well, I'd rather let my words do the talking. 2nd of July. The day of the Curve, Damansara auditions of the KPop Hitz Talent Show. Excited and nervous, I planned to get up at 8AM but it seems my mom was even more excited that I was and woke me up at 7:30AM. *grins* No, it's actually because I was told to be there at 9PM to register. I tried to dress like G.NA did in her I'll Back Off So You Can Live Better video but it was an epic fail since I didn't have any half-sleeved white shirts and I've grown fatter since the last time I wore my vest. But, it was a rather good attempt with a white tee and the vest since I looked pretty hot...in my reflection at least. I arrived at The Curve at around 9:30AM and was registered as participant 24. What they had failed to actually tell us was that there was actually a pre-judging before the actual contesting on the main stage. Auditioning inside the tent wasn't as nerve-wrecking as I had expected but I guess it was pretty scary at that time. I forgot to dance and I sang a key higher when I was given a chance to sing lower and I ended up sounding like those squeaky-singing girls I utterly despise. I didn't scream any notes and only failed to hit one. A girl before me literally screamed her high notes and failed to hit most of them. I felt pretty secure when she came out of the tent with her participant card marked with a green highlighter and when I came out, mine was marked green too. And her voice was certainly powerful and loud but she didn't hit the high notes. While my mom left to pick my siblings up from school, I was left to fend for myself and swim through sharky waters alone. I felt pretty secure since those with blue or green marked cards were called up for interviews. I actually made a fail of drinking cold water and when I realized I had almost finished half the cup of Coca-cola. But I managed to make amends and constantly drank water to release the tightening of my vocal cords. There was this one dance crew that was certainly an eye-catcher. They were "Big Bang". Four guys and one girl. All exceptionally good-looking and all extremely good dancers. And damn, I cannot begin to count the number of times the guys literally stripped their shirts off in front of my eyes. Talk about "cuci mata" but I regret not taking a picture with them since damn, one of the guys resembled Tae Yang exactly! Even his "mohawk" and he was darned hot. *drools* They spoke Cantonese though. But damn, they are sexy. 12:30PM was results moment. Like I said, I felt pretty confident. I was called into the tent along with four others. Two other contestants were told to step forward and then my name was called to step forward. I was as confident as ever. Out of four, only one wasn't called forward. Lo and behold, I didn't get through. I have to admit, I was pretty devastated but well, it was an experience of sorts. And guess what? The one before me who screamed her notes had gotten through. And I was like WHUT?! And the participant out of five of us had gotten through was a "bapok" or a very girly male to put it in English. And I was kinda irritated that I lost to a "bapok" who utterly made me want to throw up. I guess they liked his confidence and put him through for comedic relief. Meanings of the highlighter colours: Red = ELIMINATED Green = Under consideration Blue = A confirmed entry So, I was pretty happy that I got put under consideration and wasn't an instant elimination. It just goes to say that I should practice more. I hadn't actually practiced very well and much since the whole week had been hectic. But I came out from this experience learning a lot. Nervousness won't hit me so much now that I know what it's like. So, for MY Challenge, I am going to practice my heart out. Preliminary rounds are the most important. And not to sound like a spoilsport but I would just like to point out that the two judges in the pre-judging tent, I doubt they're professionals. Most of those who got put through were dance crews/dancers and the singers that were put through were mostly Malays. I didn't see quite many Chinese put through. And..I doubt they're very good either. Did any catch the previous auditions on Astro? Yeah..You know EXACTLY what I mean. So, I presume that they thought I had too much of a chance of winning so they decided to cut me. But well, this presumption just emphasises the fact that I am a narcissist. With love, Lyn| Avery |
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Thursday, June 16, 2011 @ 5:17 AM
What a misleading title.But unfortunately, although the idea of cutting and bleeding is a very gleeful prospect, even the tiniest cut on my pinky with a kitchen knife sent me into fits of "owws" and "mommy, very pain" so therefore, I can safely say that I'll never be a cutter. This form of self abuse I am subjecting myself to is most likely considered emotional abuse. And it all stems from the sole reason that I am in love with a guy halfway across the entire globe who will always remember the girl who hurt him and never the girl who loved him. And this is in my Role-Play realm. He and I have been fighting for quite a few weeks already and we never seem to be able to settle our differences in a civil, sophisticated manner. He claims that I am hurting him but he does not realize the amount of pain and suffering I am going through as well. Maybe he is blind to the feelings of a girl. Maybe he is egoistical. Maybe he is just plain ignorant. Maybe he is selfish. I sometimes sit and wonder if it was he who had changed or was it I that had changed? I would point fingers at him and he at me. We are only human and I dare not bring it up for fear of disrupting our "moving on" stage. When he went through a depression, I was there for him. Each smile, I smiled for him. He made me happy. He reawakened feelings inside of me that I thought had long died. But alas, my feelings weren't reciprocated but I held on to the fantasy that they would be. Until we went through fights and I turned into the girl who hurt him instead of the "queen of words" and the girl who loved him. Each day, I shed a tear because of him. My thoughts are disrupted because of him. My concentration is unfocused. My chest aches. All due to him. I know I must let go. I am no longer important to him. Even when the both of us took a break, each day, I still thought of him. I have tried, time after time again to repair what I had broken but if the effort is only one-sided, nothing can be done. He says that RP used to be fun for him and now he invents reasons to not come on. I know that I am the cause of this and yet I still hold on to him. I refuse to let go. I cannot let go. Not without at least trying. But the pain I am going through knowing that he is on messenger talking to the other RPer whom he truly appreciates sends me into shaking, concealed sobs and silent tears. It is very obvious that I am no longer important to him. I am trying to repair our broken relationship with a new character but he hasn't taken any interest in it and has yet to approve my follow request so we can resume role-playing. Tell me, is this fair on my part? Am I merely lying to myself that everything would be fine again? Am I abusing my feelings and my heart by holding on? Role-Play used to be fun and exciting for me. I couldn't go a day without role-playing but nowadays, I barely have the interest to start a role-play. I always make comparisons. And he is forever on my mind. I know it is time to let go, no matter how painful it may be. But it is always easier said than done. I hearts, Lyn|Avery Labels: heartache |
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Monday, June 6, 2011 @ 6:32 AM
I just recently finished reading The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. I guess most girls would tell you that they LOVE Nicholas Sparks' books but I for one can tell you that they would not be my favourite books nor one that I would consider reading over and over again. For one, they are extremely depressing. If I hadn't been eating while I was reading, I would have definitely shed a few tears but since I was distracted by eating, I did not. But I still felt a little tug of the heartstrings.I doubt I'd be reading another Nicholas Sparks' book any time soon but I assure you, if I do find any that are interesting, I would. Prior to reading The Notebook, I did not want to touch any other book as I wanted The Notebook to be the first Sparks book that I will ever read and after years and months and days of searching, I finally found it. And though the book didn't disappoint, it wasn't as spectacular as I had expected a Nicholas Spark book to be. I had expected The Notebook to be a journey of sorts of Allie and Noah's love but instead, it turned out to be a short part at the beginning of the book about their history which paled in comparison to the movie's heart-wrenching rendition. The rest of the book comprised of how Noah struggled with Allie's Alzheimer's disease and how he fought for their love and tried to get Allie to remember. All in all, it was a good book with beautiful writing, descriptions and a lot of feelings. However, it was rather depressing. Yet, I still enjoyed reading it although it did pale in comparison to the movie's version. I hearts, Lyn|Avery P.S. My aunt bought me the cutest pink Longchamp clutch from France. And I am watching How I Met Your Mother Season 6 Labels: books are gardens, my heart's content |
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Sunday, June 5, 2011 @ 8:43 AM
Lookie! The password still works. So, I guess this is my turn to post here after four days of not posting. I’m a pretty much touchy-feely sort of person so this won’t be much about what we actually did but more of how I feel about the whole thing. Just a general summary of the four days. Not too many details. Here goes: *drumroll* As I step onto the train, I realized that this was it. We were going home. And as it always is, it was not a feeling of relief and joy that I would have felt but the feeling of a part of myself disappearing. Four days of being a part of the BRATs family was not satisfying enough and I and I’m sure the rest of the Alor Setar BRATs 2011 would agree with me. The time spent bonding over the tiniest of things was too little but even so, the unforgettable bond of friendship was formed. How strong these bonds remain, we will never know and the future is for us to discover. A day of ice-breaking began with Valerie and I stepping off the train after suffering a cramped 10 hour ride and were instantly met by Xing-yi, Marcus, Joash and Thiiban. We could not tell if they were shy because we were girls or because they didn’t know what to say but getting them to open up to us was a little difficult. However, a walk about the area to scout for breakfast changed all of that. And soon, two girls and four guys bonded over laksa, curry noodles and popiah along with teh ais, Milo ais, teh O’ ais and soya bean. It was on this fateful day or should I say night that I met the Barney Stinson to my Robin Sherbatsky. And much like these two famed characters of “How I Met Your Mother?”, we only managed to carry out a friendly relationship much to the aching of my once-tried heart. It began with a “legen-wait for it-dary” as well as a “I wanna get to know you” and ended with a photograph. Along the way there were whispered chats about assignment locations, gorgeous smiles, hearty laughter, stealing of an electronic device, Chemistry and Add Maths discussions, a bunch of mommy-ing and of course, a hug in an elevator. From Pekan Rabu to Kota Kuala Kedah, each assignment was met with head on determination, frustration, irritants, b****h stares, frustrated outbursts, relief, headaches, groaning, pulling of hair, sarcastic looks from Niki, eating of fish/sotong strips from Ian, Jason’s camera and Meldoy’s pink-covered iPad. And not to forget, Ben-Jie, Amy and Pau Ling. Being a part of BRATs Alor Setar 2011 has literally changed me. In so many ways. My patience had been tried, tested and my fury had been felt. My heart forgot for a moment and a new stirring began. Friendships were formed and strong bonds were built. Experiences were gained and knowledge was passed along. Exhaustion so heavy that I could fall asleep just about anywhere. Riding on the train and then walking about town… [Cross-posted to www.starbrats.tumblr.com Labels: my heart's content |
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Monday, October 4, 2010 @ 6:58 AM
WowYeah. One word. That's all I can think of at the moment. Hilarious but yeah. And none one-line post here. I have been posting in centuries. Oo After visiting Kit Teng's blog did I decide to pick it up again. Well, not really. But okay. So, here's to livening up the blog. And going to start a bookreview blog of some sorts. I hearts, Lyn -untagged- |
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Monday, September 6, 2010 @ 7:33 PM
not enough dance space; socks as shoes
I hearts, Lyn Labels: one liner |
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Thursday, September 2, 2010 @ 8:12 AM
my nose runs again; my throat itches
I hearts, Lyn Labels: one liner |
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Tuesday, August 31, 2010 @ 4:30 AM
of cotton on and ruffedge and esprit and kitschenI hearts, Lyn Labels: my heart's content, one liner |
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Sunday, August 15, 2010 @ 6:52 AM
aching feet; bursting tummyNot really a oneliner Today was awesome. The overall atmosphere was different but it was a good different. One Utama's Shogun is so much better than the Sunway Shogun. More food items and a much better ambience. We stuffed till we could stuff no more. Until my tummy ached and all I could do was sit there and let the natural digestion take over. A trip to Cotton On provided me with a glimpse of Ean of Hitz.fm up close and dang, he's short. ;p Walking about One Utama looking for accessories ended up with us buying nothing. A last minute decision and tempting Ginny with free WiFi had us ending up in Starbucks. (: An hour of just lounging in Starbucks with a cup of hot chocolate and Caramel Latte was superb. A moment of quiet and using the WiFi that was provided. A moment of watching Lucifer and It's You. Ginny reading Fullmetal Alchemist fanfiction and us talking. A cup of unfinished Coca-Cola. A small amount of camwhoring pictures. A Wang Lee Hom card. Full tummies. Happy hearts. Beautiful. I hearts, Lyn Labels: a lifetime of memories, my heart's content |
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Tuesday, July 20, 2010 @ 7:37 AM
two words; fallen angel
I hearts, Lyn Labels: one liner |
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Sunday, July 18, 2010 @ 2:29 AM
you broke my heart; not once not twiceIt hurts to know that I no longer mean anything to you. It hurts to know that I'm no longer your wall to lean on. It hurts to know that whatever I've done for you in the past could no longer mean anything to your shrivelled, wretched heart. The longer we are apart, the more I see the real you. And there's no beauty, in or out. I hearts, Lyn Labels: heartache |