*With a swish and a flick, behold a magic trick
The Narcissist
D!
Yours truly. 17. Female. Malaysian. Petite. 27th MAY. Single. Maybe available *hinthint* NEWS is her only drug. Absolutely, magically in love with BEAST. Hey! Say! JUMP. SHINee. Super Junior. In that order. Assuntarian. A Harry Potter Twitter Role-Player. Compulsive writer. Lusting for a glance in her direction. Sings like the world is deaf. As genuine as you can get. A self-proclaimed narcissist. Enjoys not having the other half
Love me? Hate me? I'll still be me. Enjoy. Lyn|Avery
Books Pave the Way to Destruction Yet to A Beauty Beyond Imaginations
Her Domain
286 posts from 5 June 2011
Escaping the conforms of society
To stupefy the endless expanse of the universe
Advancing into a world unknown
Please don't RIP Ask permission.
Discover where else she speaks her mind
Twitter: @theivorykeys
Facebook: Shern Lyn Khuan
Email: Contact either TorFB for details. (;
Her Cravings
• To be any JE member's adopted sister
• My first book published
• To meet NewS
• To meet Hey!Say!JUMP
• To meet Super Junior
• To meet SHINee
• To get signed to SM Entertainment
• A degree in English
• Black skinnies (:
•
•
• Japanese boy uniform
• To perform a JE song medley
• To perform in Tokyo Dome and get signed to JE
• Another trip to Japan
• Permanent Japanese residence
• A yukata
•
• To cosplay
• My first perfect Japanese bento lunch
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• Understand and speak fluent Japanese
• Understand and speak fluent Korean
• National status as a writer
• A laptop or something similar
Will be updated when fancy strikes
Her One True Loves
MY BRATs TEAM. Alor Star 2011 NewS (Lots of love). Hey! Say! JUMP. Masuda Takahisa. Kato Shigeaki. Pen. Paper. Trees. Yamashita Tomohisa SHINee 3A12009. Super Junior. Nakajima Yuuto. Mathematics. Window shopping. Tegoshi Yuya. Japan! Twilight and Dusk. Kim Jong-Woon Sunset. Beaches. Rain. Stars. Inspiration. Koyama Keiichiro. Colours. Winter. Snow. Winter jackets. Nishikido Ryo.
Runaway
Infatuated<3Unofficial HSJ Malaysia LJ
abelchi| amandang/doldol | amylim | annatan | ashleykhor | ben-jielim | chuachiyan | cynthiaong | dariusbehyunji<3 | eelainetan | eeleng | euniceho | huichee | honpaige | horsegirl15 | jadeyeap<3 | kin-chan<3 | lydiaong | marcusheng | miki-chan<3 | nicolefong | nicolemarcus | previta | samuellee
Ramblings&Memories
A few words would be nice. :D
By post:
feeling helpless
being strong
Hatred Is Not Only A Feeling
To Shed Or Not To Shed
Can It Be Called Love?
When You Fall, Fall With Grace
Is It Called Self Abuse?
The Words of a Man in Love
Of Headaches and Departures
wow
By month:
May 2008
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November 2008
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July 2011
August 2011
October 2011
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011 @ 12:39 AM
I have so many things I want to put down in writing. But I cannot find the words to write out. Not with this kind of heartache in my heart.
I just want to cry sometimes. But I am stronger than that. And tears are useless in this situation. So here I am, not knowing what to say. RP can sometimes be a real bitch. I hearts, Lyn|Avery |
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Saturday, August 6, 2011 @ 3:06 AM
May Geminis are said to be clingy and I am convinced that I DO fall into this category. After all the months of heartbreak, I still could not forget Z even to this day. There are days when I cannot control myself and I would lurk on his Twitter just to dream and wish and reminisce and some times, actually emotionally hurt myself.I do not believe that I am actually in love with him. I may still harbour some feelings towards him but I cannot confidently tell you that I am in love with him. After all that we've gone through, the many messages of arguing and fighting and the many tears shed, I doubt it is really called love. Yet, I still cling to the dream that one day we would make up and although it would be awkward, a sort of friendship would be there. Until today, I have not mustered up enough courage to utter a word to him. All tweets that I send to him are instantly deleted as soon as I've sent them. Am I so cowardly that the fear of rejection sends me into such desperation? I do not know. I do not want to dwell on such depressing things. The argument with Z sent me into depression for about a week and I don't want to go back there. My heart might ache each time I see his Twitter and see him talking to others like we used to. But a few hours later and I'll be fine again. And here comes clingy evidence number two. And this has got to be the only guy I've ever had a crush on my in seventeen years of life who actually merits me liking him. In fact, any girl liking him. Smart. EXTREMELY. Cute, possibly even sexy. Extremely sweet. Witty. And damn that voice of his. Liquid sex. But possibly that's just me. I don't exactly demand for him to date me and all. I would just like a little acknowledgement. When I try to talk to him in a friendly manner, I get brushed off and ignored. I am not even given the time of the day with him. Truth be told, I met him at a camp and we were pretty friendly the first few days there. After a while, he started to be distant to me..and it rather hurt. I kept wondering what exactly had I done wrong. And this was even before the fight I had with his room mate so I doubt it had affected it. And to add insult to the injury, there was a mild flirting between us the first few days. Probably I was friendly and very open to begin with and after he opened up with others, I didn't mean so much anymore. At least that's my theory. Even after the camp, he talks with others freely but not me. It's clear that he has rejected me but yet I still cling to the dream that he would at least acknowledge me in some way. It would be nice to have someone to speak intellectually to. And a guy friend. It's been about two months since we last spoke and I tend to lurk on his Facebook page a little too much. But only because I'm trying to look for something to spark a lasting friendship. He is very much a gem. And here is evidence that I am clingy. Am I desperate to be loved? Or is this just normal? With love, Lyn|Avery |
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Thursday, June 16, 2011 @ 5:17 AM
What a misleading title.But unfortunately, although the idea of cutting and bleeding is a very gleeful prospect, even the tiniest cut on my pinky with a kitchen knife sent me into fits of "owws" and "mommy, very pain" so therefore, I can safely say that I'll never be a cutter. This form of self abuse I am subjecting myself to is most likely considered emotional abuse. And it all stems from the sole reason that I am in love with a guy halfway across the entire globe who will always remember the girl who hurt him and never the girl who loved him. And this is in my Role-Play realm. He and I have been fighting for quite a few weeks already and we never seem to be able to settle our differences in a civil, sophisticated manner. He claims that I am hurting him but he does not realize the amount of pain and suffering I am going through as well. Maybe he is blind to the feelings of a girl. Maybe he is egoistical. Maybe he is just plain ignorant. Maybe he is selfish. I sometimes sit and wonder if it was he who had changed or was it I that had changed? I would point fingers at him and he at me. We are only human and I dare not bring it up for fear of disrupting our "moving on" stage. When he went through a depression, I was there for him. Each smile, I smiled for him. He made me happy. He reawakened feelings inside of me that I thought had long died. But alas, my feelings weren't reciprocated but I held on to the fantasy that they would be. Until we went through fights and I turned into the girl who hurt him instead of the "queen of words" and the girl who loved him. Each day, I shed a tear because of him. My thoughts are disrupted because of him. My concentration is unfocused. My chest aches. All due to him. I know I must let go. I am no longer important to him. Even when the both of us took a break, each day, I still thought of him. I have tried, time after time again to repair what I had broken but if the effort is only one-sided, nothing can be done. He says that RP used to be fun for him and now he invents reasons to not come on. I know that I am the cause of this and yet I still hold on to him. I refuse to let go. I cannot let go. Not without at least trying. But the pain I am going through knowing that he is on messenger talking to the other RPer whom he truly appreciates sends me into shaking, concealed sobs and silent tears. It is very obvious that I am no longer important to him. I am trying to repair our broken relationship with a new character but he hasn't taken any interest in it and has yet to approve my follow request so we can resume role-playing. Tell me, is this fair on my part? Am I merely lying to myself that everything would be fine again? Am I abusing my feelings and my heart by holding on? Role-Play used to be fun and exciting for me. I couldn't go a day without role-playing but nowadays, I barely have the interest to start a role-play. I always make comparisons. And he is forever on my mind. I know it is time to let go, no matter how painful it may be. But it is always easier said than done. I hearts, Lyn|Avery Labels: heartache |
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Sunday, July 18, 2010 @ 2:29 AM
you broke my heart; not once not twiceIt hurts to know that I no longer mean anything to you. It hurts to know that I'm no longer your wall to lean on. It hurts to know that whatever I've done for you in the past could no longer mean anything to your shrivelled, wretched heart. The longer we are apart, the more I see the real you. And there's no beauty, in or out. I hearts, Lyn Labels: heartache |
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Friday, July 16, 2010 @ 11:04 PM
now i know how it is; i'm egoistical
I hearts, Lyn
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Sunday, June 6, 2010 @ 7:24 AM
this aching feeling; discriminated
I hearts, Lyn
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Friday, May 14, 2010 @ 9:25 AM
untitled three I don't know why I feel compelled to do this. I just do. I need to get it off my chest. I've got no one to go to. My sounding board disappeared months ago. I'm alone in this suffering of mine. I just wish that one day I'd know what you were thinking and not having this clenching of the heart whenever I see something and interpret it in my manner. From that day on, anything I see makes me think of something else. Something that might not even be related. Yes, I'm sure you have not forgiven me. I hope you did but your actions prove you wrong. A distant relationship would not have such coldness. Maybe I'm misinterpreting it. Maybe being apart from you for so long makes it difficult for me to read you. Either way, I still hurt whenever I see you or when you ignore me at times. It's as if you say we're back to normal but deep inside, you still hold a grudge. I've no idea what you're thinking no longer. I used to be able to. I think it's time to let go. But if I do, I'd lose the world of bliss and ignorance I'm living in. I miss the little tug of love in my heart whenever I see you. We'd just go back to being accquaintances like in Form 1. I sound like a lovesick child. But I'm not in love. This love of mine is a love borne of seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years spent together. I hope you'll realise the extent of my love. Because once more, I don't see the use of me having it. But I hold on to that little fragment. That fragment of hope. I hearts, Lyn Labels: heartache |
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Sunday, May 9, 2010 @ 12:12 AM
untitled two This relationship of ours is dying and slow and painful deat. Wouldn't it be easier to let it die rather than carry on this charade? I'm trying to salvage it but it seems that you aren't doing anything to help it. Sometimes, I wish that we could go back to the closeness we once shared. But both you and I know that it is not possible. You've changed but change is inevitable. I don't know if it's for better or for worse. I really love you. I do. And I'll never stop caring for you and looking out for you. But you cannot expect my heart to be in it anymore. After all, yours isn't. One day, I hope that you would look back and see a point in this relationship because honestly, I don't see any point in it anymore. I hearts, Lyn Labels: heartache |