No matter the mistake, you'll always shine with glitter

The Narcissist

D!
Yours truly. 17. Female. Malaysian. Petite. 27th MAY. Single. Maybe available *hinthint* NEWS is her only drug. Absolutely, magically in love with BEAST. Hey! Say! JUMP. SHINee. Super Junior. In that order. Assuntarian. A Harry Potter Twitter Role-Player. Compulsive writer. Lusting for a glance in her direction. Sings like the world is deaf. As genuine as you can get. A self-proclaimed narcissist. Enjoys not having the other half
Love me? Hate me? I'll still be me. Enjoy. Lyn|Avery
Books Pave the Way to Destruction Yet to A Beauty Beyond Imaginations

Her Domain

286 posts from 5 June 2011
Escaping the conforms of society
To stupefy the endless expanse of the universe
Advancing into a world unknown
Please don't RIP Ask permission.
Discover where else she speaks her mind
Twitter: @theivorykeys
Facebook: Shern Lyn Khuan
Email: Contact either TorFB for details. (;

Her Cravings

• To be any JE member's adopted sister
• My first book published
• To meet NewS
• To meet Hey!Say!JUMP
• To meet Super Junior
• To meet SHINee
• To get signed to SM Entertainment
• A degree in English
• Black skinnies (:
• ~~White skinnies (:~~
• ~~A pet. Definetely~~
• Japanese boy uniform
• To perform a JE song medley
• To perform in Tokyo Dome and get signed to JE
• Another trip to Japan
• Permanent Japanese residence
• A yukata
• ~~A red and black checkered scarf~~
• To cosplay
• My first perfect Japanese bento lunch
• ~~A Japanese dictionary~~
• Understand and speak fluent Japanese
• Understand and speak fluent Korean
• National status as a writer
• A laptop or something similar
Will be updated when fancy strikes

Her One True Loves

MY BRATs TEAM. Alor Star 2011 NewS (Lots of love). Hey! Say! JUMP. Masuda Takahisa. Kato Shigeaki. Pen. Paper. Trees. Yamashita Tomohisa SHINee 3A12009. Super Junior. Nakajima Yuuto. Mathematics. Window shopping. Tegoshi Yuya. Japan! Twilight and Dusk. Kim Jong-Woon Sunset. Beaches. Rain. Stars. Inspiration. Koyama Keiichiro. Colours. Winter. Snow. Winter jackets. Nishikido Ryo.

Runaway

Ramblings&Memories

A few words would be nice. :D

By post:
The Words of a Man in Love
Of Headaches and Departures
wow
not enough dance space; socks as shoes
my nose runs again; my throat itches
of cotton on and ruffedge and esprit and kitschen
aching feet; bursting tummy
one word; fallen angel
you broke my heart; not once not twice
now i know how it is; i'm egoistical

By month:
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
June 2010
July 2010
August 2010
September 2010
October 2010
June 2011
July 2011
August 2011
October 2011

Is It Called Self Abuse?

Thursday, June 16, 2011 @ 5:17 AM

What a misleading title.
But unfortunately, although the idea of cutting and bleeding is a very gleeful prospect, even the tiniest cut on my pinky with a kitchen knife sent me into fits of "owws" and "mommy, very pain" so therefore, I can safely say that I'll never be a cutter.

This form of self abuse I am subjecting myself to is most likely considered emotional abuse. And it all stems from the sole reason that I am in love with a guy halfway across the entire globe who will always remember the girl who hurt him and never the girl who loved him. And this is in my Role-Play realm.

He and I have been fighting for quite a few weeks already and we never seem to be able to settle our differences in a civil, sophisticated manner. He claims that I am hurting him but he does not realize the amount of pain and suffering I am going through as well. Maybe he is blind to the feelings of a girl. Maybe he is egoistical. Maybe he is just plain ignorant. Maybe he is selfish. I sometimes sit and wonder if it was he who had changed or was it I that had changed? I would point fingers at him and he at me. We are only human and I dare not bring it up for fear of disrupting our "moving on" stage.

When he went through a depression, I was there for him. Each smile, I smiled for him. He made me happy. He reawakened feelings inside of me that I thought had long died. But alas, my feelings weren't reciprocated but I held on to the fantasy that they would be. Until we went through fights and I turned into the girl who hurt him instead of the "queen of words" and the girl who loved him.

Each day, I shed a tear because of him. My thoughts are disrupted because of him. My concentration is unfocused. My chest aches. All due to him. I know I must let go. I am no longer important to him. Even when the both of us took a break, each day, I still thought of him. I have tried, time after time again to repair what I had broken but if the effort is only one-sided, nothing can be done.

He says that RP used to be fun for him and now he invents reasons to not come on. I know that I am the cause of this and yet I still hold on to him. I refuse to let go. I cannot let go. Not without at least trying. But the pain I am going through knowing that he is on messenger talking to the other RPer whom he truly appreciates sends me into shaking, concealed sobs and silent tears.

It is very obvious that I am no longer important to him. I am trying to repair our broken relationship with a new character but he hasn't taken any interest in it and has yet to approve my follow request so we can resume role-playing.

Tell me, is this fair on my part? Am I merely lying to myself that everything would be fine again? Am I abusing my feelings and my heart by holding on?

Role-Play used to be fun and exciting for me. I couldn't go a day without role-playing but nowadays, I barely have the interest to start a role-play. I always make comparisons. And he is forever on my mind.

I know it is time to let go, no matter how painful it may be. But it is always easier said than done.

I hearts,
Lyn|Avery

Labels: heartache