No matter the mistake, you'll always shine with glitter

The Narcissist

D!
Yours truly. 17. Female. Malaysian. Petite. 27th MAY. Single. Maybe available *hinthint* NEWS is her only drug. Absolutely, magically in love with BEAST. Hey! Say! JUMP. SHINee. Super Junior. In that order. Assuntarian. A Harry Potter Twitter Role-Player. Compulsive writer. Lusting for a glance in her direction. Sings like the world is deaf. As genuine as you can get. A self-proclaimed narcissist. Enjoys not having the other half
Love me? Hate me? I'll still be me. Enjoy. Lyn|Avery
Books Pave the Way to Destruction Yet to A Beauty Beyond Imaginations

Her Domain

286 posts from 5 June 2011
Escaping the conforms of society
To stupefy the endless expanse of the universe
Advancing into a world unknown
Please don't RIP Ask permission.
Discover where else she speaks her mind
Twitter: @theivorykeys
Facebook: Shern Lyn Khuan
Email: Contact either TorFB for details. (;

Her Cravings

• To be any JE member's adopted sister
• My first book published
• To meet NewS
• To meet Hey!Say!JUMP
• To meet Super Junior
• To meet SHINee
• To get signed to SM Entertainment
• A degree in English
• Black skinnies (:
• ~~White skinnies (:~~
• ~~A pet. Definetely~~
• Japanese boy uniform
• To perform a JE song medley
• To perform in Tokyo Dome and get signed to JE
• Another trip to Japan
• Permanent Japanese residence
• A yukata
• ~~A red and black checkered scarf~~
• To cosplay
• My first perfect Japanese bento lunch
• ~~A Japanese dictionary~~
• Understand and speak fluent Japanese
• Understand and speak fluent Korean
• National status as a writer
• A laptop or something similar
Will be updated when fancy strikes

Her One True Loves

MY BRATs TEAM. Alor Star 2011 NewS (Lots of love). Hey! Say! JUMP. Masuda Takahisa. Kato Shigeaki. Pen. Paper. Trees. Yamashita Tomohisa SHINee 3A12009. Super Junior. Nakajima Yuuto. Mathematics. Window shopping. Tegoshi Yuya. Japan! Twilight and Dusk. Kim Jong-Woon Sunset. Beaches. Rain. Stars. Inspiration. Koyama Keiichiro. Colours. Winter. Snow. Winter jackets. Nishikido Ryo.

Runaway

Ramblings&Memories

A few words would be nice. :D

By post:
adrenaline rushing through my veins; another sleep...
counting down the days till the time for my muscle...
birthday wishes five
before I forget...
birthday wishes four
as promised
swirls, twirls and whirls?
fantasy of the day
of sleepy eyes and the dropping pen
because you had my heart in handcuffs the moment I...

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confessions of my fragile heart; breaking and tearing into pieces

Tuesday, December 1, 2009 @ 11:46 PM

confessions of my fragile heart; breaking and tearing into pieces

This was half-written in my dorm, Irau during my days at the ten day OYP/ACC 11 course and half-written sitting at home after looking at Facebook following an onslaught of emotions. So to all OYP/ACC 11 people who have been waiting for a confession especially A, here it is. Yet this is only the opinion on my side. What I feel and see and what I think. Enjoy another emo post:

My heart hurts. My heart hurts real badly.

At first I thought that I could forget you. At first I thought that these feelings that I had for you would disappear once I returned home. I knew I could never have you. I knew I wouldn't be able to.
I went to OB once more to push myself to the limits. To conquer the fear of heights that I couldn't conquer the last time I went. Yet, something else unexpected happened. I was chased. By a male specimen, nonetheless.
One time, you asked me if you could call me jie jie and I agreed. After all, I was always the elder sister, being a mother figure to most people.
When the being chased by the insistent male specimen got even worse, I turned to my sai lo. I turned to you for help. I relied on you to protect me as you intimidated most people and could be very protective of people when you wanted to. You were like a shield.
You held me in your arms and made me feel safe. You ignited sparks that I thought had long died with my promise to keep off males till I finish college and enter the working world.
Yet, I hid those feelings and quelled them, half-successfully though.
I still remember what I said to when we sat on the beach after I was the first female to finish the rapelling activity. When I complained to you about the insistent male and when you offered to help me out. You told me to stick to you. And I did.
I sat in your arms, between your legs and rested my head in the crook of your arm against your chest as we sat there and talked. On my part, there was nothing romantic about complaining about a guy who refuses to back down despite my many denials. Yet, butterflies floated about the base of my stomach.
The feeling was that I was safe. In your embrace.
I said: Yerr. We're sitting here like this as if we're boy-girlfriend only.
And you replied: Nolah, where got?
And we continued on talking. I didn't know what you were feeling at that time but to me, I was elated. I was floating but I was cautious. I didn't want to break the promise to myself.
I stuck to you the whole time there to fend off the male but little did I know that you would play with my heart. Toy with my feelings. Little did I know that you would hurt me.
That night, I opted to be on night watch just to stay up with you so that I wouldn't have to be on duty with him but he decided to go on at the same time as I did anyway.
Feeling rather annoyed, I stuck to you even more to get him jealous.
As we watched the campfire burn and tended to it, you told me you loved me. I asked you if you really meant it or it was just to make the male jealous and you told me you meant it.
Was that real? Did you really mean it at that time? Or was it just a ploy to test your feelings for SL? Yeah, you should be aware that she told me about what you told her.
You kissed me. Once without tongue and another with tongue. That was twice. And before you said you loved me. You took my first kiss away from me by shock.
At that moment, I told myself: Take it as your first kiss. Someone who cared about you gave it to you.
But did you really care about me or was it just a test to yourself to prove that you could love someone else?
Right now, I do not take that as a first kiss or take the subsequents kisses that followed as real kisses because real kisses matter to my heart and are done with feeling. Yes, I did feel. A lot but at the moment, there is no longer love in it and my first kiss was done in shock. They do not count.
Just so you know, you kissed me six times plus the ones at the second campsite during the second expedition.
At Pangkor, I began to fall for you after I saw how much you cared but now, I'm wondering. Did you really at all care or was it to make SL jealous?
After all, you trusted her more than you trusted me. Enough to tell her about your past and your parents and entrust her with the necklace that your grandmother gave to you six years ago. You didn't find enough to trust me with these things yet you kissed me like I was your life. Was I just an object of your lust?
You should know that I was enough in love with you. Enough that I hurt when you pushed me away.
You didn't give me an explaination. Nor did you tell me that you didn't want me anymore. You just closed me off. Did I really mean nothing to you after you kissed me and told me that you meant it when you said I love you?
That happened a few days after we left Pangkor and before we left for jungle trekking.
A hated that we were getting too touchy-feeling and all over each other. All the rest of the girls agreed. SL offered to tell you to stop as she was close to you. Under pressure to stop getting all touchyandfeely, I hid my feelings and said that I didn't love you and used you as protection.
I forced myself to believe that and when you pushed me away after SL told you, I realised that I had made a giant mistake. I not only hurt you. I hurt myself in the process.
Yet, you seemed unfazed and continued to care for me minus the touching and getting close.
I remember the time when your dorm didn't get up and I had to go and call you. You held me close in front of the dorm when you guys woke up and said that you didn't wear underwear when you slept.
I was happy for a moment. I thought that everything was normal between us.
The hurt began when I couldn't stand your temper.
You hurt me once before the shut down occured by yelling at me that I refused to do any work when you asked me to accompany you and someone else (I can't remember who) to replace the gallon bottles in the storeroom.
You yelled at me because I didn't move when you asked me to and misinterpreted that I didn't move by reluctance. In truth, I was listening to something that someone was saying. But you didn't stay for an explaination. You just snatched the gallon bottle out of my hands and gave me a cold stare.
When we went back to the dorm, SL told me that you told her to tell me that you were sorry for losing your temper and yelling at me.
I instantly apologized saying that I understood that your temper was something you couldn't control and that you could lose it easily.
When you lost your temper once more on a following day, after telling me to shut up and I wouldn't, that was when I got really angry at you and refused to speak to you. At that moment, you had not only made me angry, you had hurt me.
That was when you shut me off and refused to speak to me.
That day after dinner, I cried. I cried for the first time in so many months.
I apologized to you the next morning when we were preparing for jungle trekking and you refused to accept the apology. Instead, you told me to get away and not go close to you. At that moment, an onslaught of emotions hit me.
I was angry and furious and frustrated and shocked all at the same time but the emotion that was the most apparent on the inside yet hidden on the outside was sadness.
Each time you apologized to me, I accepted but when I apologized, you refused to.
I had shoved aside my giant ego to apologize to you for something that I deemed as not my fault yet I had gotten THAT as a response was a real blow not only to my ego but my heart.
I might seem like someone real strong and ganas on the outside but if you really knew me, I have the most fragile and soft heart that you could ever find. I cry at the smallest of things. And I cry when people cry. I hurt when people hurt and I care deeply for those around me even if I hate you.
I cannot stand to see people hurt or people in trouble. I get conned easily as I'm extremely guillible and when I hurt on the inside, I will hurt for a very long time. I cannot stand when people insult me even though it seems as though I'm able to. I have taught myself to be strong against all these things but I never taught myself to be strong against the matters of love.
In that situtation, I leave my heart vunerable as my experience is close to zero.
I know that at this age, I shouldn't be bothered about the matters of the heart but I can't help it if someone becomes nice to me and makes me fall in love with them. I can steel my heart against all things except for this. I am female after all and also human.
When we were camping at the lake, once more, you were nice to me.
You held me when I shivered and was civil to me during the de-briefing session. You listened to me when I insisted that you get into the girls' tent when it started to rain along with P, of course. That was when you decided to kiss me for the fifth time. And play with my heart once more.
I slept in your arms and once more, I felt safe.
The next day. You ignored me. You didn't even look at me as if I was a piece of scum. As if I wasn't worth speaking to or even worth looking at.
It made me wonder. Was the night before just to hurt me? Or just to satisfy a lust that you couldn't satisfy with SL?
I couldn't tell the difference.
After that, all you cared about was her. You didn't speak to me. You didn't look at me.
All you did was give me glances whenever you held her hand or spoke to her. Most of the time, you were looking at me like that.
Was it to see if I was jealous? Was it to hurt me?
If you answered yes to both, well, you are right. I was so badly hurt that I was angry and pissed most of the time.
I don't show hurt or pain as it makes me too vunerable and it will make it easier for people to bully me. I taught myself to change it into anger and naturally, that was what happened but I didn't stay angry at SL as I knew that it wasn't her fault.
I was mad at myself and also at you.
I immersed myself in the people surrounding me to get my brain off you. And half the time, it works until I look at you and see you all over SL.
You want to know? SL and I had a long talk about you. Wouldn't you wish you knew what we were talking about. Why don't you ask her yourself? After all, you trust her so much. If I told you, you would probably tell me to shut the fuck up and get lost. So, there you go.
If you would like to know, she notices that for the past few days, I've been half angry and upset. And she's told you to apologize to me. To speak to me. And what did you tell her? You said: It's too late. I've made a big mistake and blahblahblah.
How would you know if you've never tried?
Right now, looking at your Facebook made me cry.
I guess you were in love with her from the very start. I was just someone to play with. To convince yourself that you don't love her? I was just a replacement. I'm always the replacement. When will I ever be the real thing?
You have no idea how much trust and love I had put into you. You didn't see that I cared deeply for you.
I made the big mistake of denying you when my heart told me not to because I wanted to please and make those who disapproved of what we did happy.
That's part of my attitude, I guess. I'd do anything to please someone without caring for myself first nor weighing the consequences.
You call her dear whereas I was always babe.
You probably deserve her more than you deserve me. After all, she was first a friend before you decided to court her. She knows more about you than I do. I know nothing. After all, you courted me before you befriended me or gave me any of your trust.
I know I shouldn't feel this way. I know that I should put all of this in the past. But I still can't help but hope for an explaination and a chance for you to know my side of the story. To let you know how much you actually meant to me. And also to hear the truth from your mouth no matter how much I know it will hurt me.
Your sweet, loving words on your Facebook and her pictures splashed all over it was a blow to me. It proves that I never meant anything to you.
The moment I fell in love with you was the moment you pushed me away. I still remember the shot of pain and hatred when I see you with her. I hope you know the damage that you did to me.

Muchloveandappreciation,
Lynxoxo

Koe wo kikasete/Let me hear your voice