Funny how when you're infatuated, you seem to do the most darnest and most embarrassing things.

I twittered that moments ago. You can find my twitter at www.twitter.com/knottedribbons. To those who are familiar with my previous twitter link of www.twitter.com/bitterswdarling, well, it's extremely obvious that I have changed my link.

Understandable

I made an utter fool of myself today in front of someone I so wanted to impress. I only wanted to impress out of sheer jealousy. The ease between both of them is so apparent that I can't help but feel jealous that it was I who had first discovered that the person existed on the face of the Earth.

Shouting with full confidence about his dripping wet clothing and that a certain someone was missing. My confidence was short-lived though when he gave me an extremely cutting response that made my heart drop to the bottom of my gut.

I had wished at that exact moment that the ground would open and swallow me up as I watched him leave like a lovesick teenager when all I wanted was a moment of attention like he had given her.

The absence of a phone turned our "friendship" into "acquaintance" and as he questioned the inevitable, the jealousy rose to an extremely dangerous level. Sirens and warning bells went off but due to the the little green female in me, I ignored the warnings to back off.

I sound like a desperate woman but I discovered the existence of this person first. And I desperately wanted the attention that he had given. I KNOW I sound desperate but forgive it.

Back to the original tale of when he had cuttingly told me that he didn't give a damn and didn't want to speak to me. At least he gave the impression of the latter. But the former was definitely evident and it did hurt.

He never flashed me so much as a glance and I confidently tried to grab his attention. I doubt he even knew who the fuck I was. I doubt he noticed my existence on the face of this earth if I had spoken first.

The other two with him had looked at me "like one kind".

I was utterly embarrassed and ashamed of my boldness. All I had wanted to do was to exchange a few words. A few friendly words of hello. A smile would have been sufficient just to tell me that he knew I existed.

I wasn't important enough.

The previous time when we had met face to face, he had barely said a word nor exchanged glances. He was infatuated with her to put it in my own words. By now, he and she might already know that I'm talking about them. Before I continue, I would like to say, even if you know that it is you that I'm talking about, please do not bring up this subject with me under any circumstances as it is an extremely touchy and sensitive subject with me.

If you ever do bring it up, I will ignore you.

No matter who brings it up, it will still be ignored.

No one knows about it, not even my best friend whom I confide everything in. And if she doesn't know, no one else know.

It's my dirty little secret. A real sin of mine.

From where I had left off, he has never acknowledged me and the few conversations we have had over the Internet were extremely short and I enjoyed every word as he was one of the few people whom I manage to talk about insignificant things with and manage to keep it interesting. At least to me. I don't know about his POV.

The first time I met him, he was striding confidently towards her and his attention was focused on her. He had never acknowledged my presence and anything I would have said at that moment would be absolutely the words of a dumb blonde as I don't really say sensible things when I'm nervous.

Yeah, that's me.

If it's not meant to be, it will never.

If it has been written that we would meet under excellent circumstances, so it shall.

In the meantime, I shall sit back, harbour much jealousy although I love her like a sister and wait for the very day that fate would direct his eyes towards me.

And no, the infatuation that I have is not for a boyfriend as most would think. Just a jealous notion.

I'm in a dilemma to joining Leo or not. Some tell me to join while I don't know if I am able to devote myself to becoming a probationer again.

Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I want to. Maybe I don't.

Muchappreciationandlove,

Lynxoxo